I am waiting for something to go wrong

I'm really...worried. Not scared too much, because I have nothing to be "scared" about. I'm worried. Worried is the right word.

He hasn't hugged me. Haha. I know it's a dumb justification, but, it's true. He just says, "I'll see you later, Deanna" and then walks away. He smiles, though. Same big smile. Yesterday he just walked by and said, "Hey, Deanna!" and then was gone. Maybe he's getting tired of me.
He did mention, "Wow, I feel like I haven't talked to you in a long time."

I didn't ask him if he wanted to do something this weekend. I totally forgot. I should try calling him today. I know he said he was going to go..party. I really want to know if that's true. I hope not. Maybe that's why he's been distant. I really don't know. I wish I could find my Matt already. = [

You know what? I really don't like that very much. I don't like the fact that he gets drunk. I don't like it at all. I wish he didn't do that kind of stuff. It's retarded in my opinion, anyway. I also don't like the idea of him frolicing around with other girls who don't mean anything to him and him not doing anything with the one who means something (supposedly). Me.



Things have been so weird lately.
Things with him have, in my eyes, seemingly took a 90 degree turn.

Green eyes, you're the one I wanted to find.
GREEN EYES, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO APPARENTLY SCREW NINJA TURTLES
GREEN EYES, WHY DO YOU DRINK
GREEN EYES, WHY HAVEN'T I GOTTEN A HUG IN TWO DAYS

I hope that isn't true.
Because if it is, I'm seriously going to have to ask him, "What the FUCK were you thinking???"
If it's true, I'm going to tell him it's either me or her. He'll probably pick her. I'll leave. I don't want that.

I'll always like him, but until then...I'm going to have to stop.
I need to talk to Nicole really bad.

When all else fails, try throwing at chair at someone

It smells really really bad in here, apparently. I can't really smell it.
Mrs. McCreedy came in just now and she says it actually smelled nice in here, so, heh. Beats me.

I don't really feel good right now. My stomach feels weird. Well, actually, I feel ok. It's just my stomach feels weird every-so-often.

Dude. I can't believe it. That's so sick. I'm like, stuck in the same rut. I kind of don't think he did it, but I can believe it if he did. He really must be desperate, because wow. She seriously looks like a freakin' Ninja Turtle. Even he told me it was a mistake in the first place, so why would he repeat it? I don't think he'd lie to me if he hates people lying. I DON'T KNOW I DON'T KNOW I DON'T KNOW. = [

Like Monica said, I hope she's just full of shit.





We'll see. I won't let them forget.
I can't forget.

huddle formation

My new favorite things
-the Go! Team
-the Format
-Punch-Drunk Love
-Hanging out with Alexis
-Cheeseburgers
-Hot Fries
-Avoiding homework
-My mom's laptop
-Tropical Twist Trident



my mouth. is. on FIIIIYYYYUUHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAWWWW FUUHHHHHH!

there's the bell.
i did nothing this period.
word, son.

JUST PUSH THE BIG RED BUTTON ALREADY

I kind of wish I was in a movie. Like, I wish Life was a giant movie. It would always have that predicable cheesy ending, and the boy would always fall for me. Life would only last approx. 120 minutes, but hey, I guess it would be worth it.
I wish Life was a movie because I could say, "I think there's something special about this boy," and it would end up being the truth and I wouldn't sound like an utter creep, either. I could say it and he wouldn't be weirded out by it.

Well, a movie is set on a stage, and the world is just a giant stage for Life, so maybe Life is a movie. Only, this movie lasts longer than approx. 120 minutes and I don't always get the boy and I'm sometimes creepy.

But, maybe, just maybe...there is something special about him. And maybe, just maybe..I'm right.

JOHNNY, I WANT YOU TO WATCH THE GRAPE LEAVES WITHER.

Ok, I think I'm going to stop seeing him before 5th period. I don't know, but he seems like he...I don't know. Dude, I'm probably looking too much into this. He doesn't really look at me the same way anymore. Well, at least, he didn't today. That little spark was gone. Maybe he doesn't feel good. I know that yesterday he didn't. I don't know. I just need to be reassured over and over about things like this.

I hate thinking about this so much but I really can't help it.

WHY NOT.
SURVEY TIME ERRYBODIES. LOLOLOL.


Honestly, where are you now?
>>I am in Mrs. McCreedy's class.

Honestly, have you ever failed a subject?
>>No.

Honestly, what's on your mind?
>>Alexis.

Honestly, what is it that you really should be doing right now?
>> Working on my Junior Portfolio.

Honestly, have you brushed your teeth today?
>>Nope.

Honestly, who is the hottest person you know?
>>I don't know, there are a lot of people I find attractive.

Honestly, are you a good friend?
>>I try to be.

Honestly, do you think school is important?
>>Yeah, it depends on the subject.

Honestly, what are your dreams mostly about?
>>My dreams really have no point.

Honestly, who/what makes you happy most of the time?
>>Monica, Walker Texas Ranger Thursdays with Sarah, Ali, Alexis, lots of things.

Honestly, what song are you listening to?>>I was listening to "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson, but now I'm listening to "Zanzabar" by Incredibad. Now it's "I Should've Known Better" by the Beatles.

Honestly, who do you want to see at this very moment?
>>Monica or Alexis.

Honestly, do you have a deadly disease?
>>Yeah, I suck. I think that's a deadly enough disease.

Honestly who would you like to hug right now?
>>Haha, Alexis, even though I hugged him like 10 minutes ago.

Honestly, are you bored?
>>Not really, because I have things to do. I just don't want to do them.

Honestly, who do you want to slap right now:
>>Myself. Again and again.

Honestly, are you happy?
>>Yeah.

L A S T S:
Last Cry:
>>I don't remember. A couple weeks ago, I believe.

Last Movie:
>>In theaters: When A Stranger Calls, At home: Shaun of the Dead

Last Book Read:
>>Miss Misery by Andy Greenwald (I think that's what his name is..)

Last Beverage Drank:
>>AriZona Green Tea.

Last Food Consumed:
>>A chicken sandwich that I ended up giving to Carl.

Last Hug:
>>Alexis =]

Last TV Show Watched:
>>Walker, Texas Ranger. I didn't watch TV at all yesterday, but on Monday that's the only TV show I can remember watching.

Last Soda Drank:>> RC Cola. Haha, I haven't had soda since Monday, too.

Last Words Spoken:>> I was singing "Bandages" by Hot Hot Heat earlier before class started. I haven't said anything since I logged onto the computer. Ok, I take that back. I just said, "What?" right now.

Last Annoyance:
>>Myself.

B O D Y:
Piercings:
>>None.

Tattoos:
>>438, 206

Hair color:
>>Brown.

Eye color:
>>Brown.

Siblings:
>>None.

L A S T . . .

Song you listened to:
>>"Wonderwall" by Oasis. Right now "Speed of Sound" by Coldplay is on.

Person you've called:
>>Fili, so he could open the door and let Sarah and I back into Layout.

Person that called you:
>>Hm. I don't know, no one's really called me in a couple days. I think it's Alexis. Someone's probably called me after him though, but I can't think of anyone who has.

Person you were thinking of:
>>Monica/Alexis/Ali

You smoke:
>>No.

Like cleaning:
>>Sometimes.

You like roller coasters:
>>Yeah.

N U M B E R...
Of times you have been in love?
>>Twice.

Of times you have had your heart broken?
>>Seriously, only twice.

Of people you consider your enemies?
>>No one. Enemies is a dumb word. Other than that, I don't really hate anyone. I like to say I "dislike" them, anyway.

Of scars on your body?
>>I don't know I don't really count.

Of things in your past that you regret?
>>Nothing really.





1 Time started: 12:53 PM
2 First Name: Deanna
3 Single or Taken: Single.
4 Sex: Female.
5 Birthday:July 17, 1989
6 Siblings: None.
7 Hair color: Brown.
8 hair length: A little shorter than shoulder length.
9 height: 5' 4''
10 Innie or Outie: Innie.
11 Wearing right now: Orange Beastie Boys shirt, Jeans, navy blue hoodie.
12 Righty or lefty? Righty.
13 Can you make a dollar in change right now? Nope.
---------------Relationships-----------
14 Who are your closest friends: Monica, Ali, and Sarah.
15 Do you have a BF or GF? No.
16 Best place to go for a date: It doesn't really matter, just hanging out is fun.
--------------Favorites...---------------
17. Favorite place to shop: Barnes & Noble.
18. Favorite kind of pants: Jeans.
19. Favorite color: Green, Purple, Teal and Gray.
20. Number(s): 9 and 99.
21 Animal(s): Cats, ferrets and otters. Oh, and panda bears.
22 Drink: RC Cola, Green Tea, Cinnabon coffee, or Oreo Cookie Lattes.
23 Sport(s): Soccer!!
24 Fast-Food Place: In-N-Out, Chipotle, Burger Kind and...Sonic.
26 Current Movie: Shaun of the Dead/Saved!
27 Juice: Apple Juice.
29 Breakfast: Cinnamon rolls.
30. Favorite cartoon character: Ash from Pokemon is pretty cute.

---------------------Have you had..----------------
68 Chicken pox: Yeah.
69 Sore Throat: Yeah.
70 Stitches: Yeah.
71 Broken nose: No.
-------------------------Do You--------------------------
72 Believe in love at first sight: "I think you're cute at first sight."
73 Like picnics: Yeah!
74 Like school: Not really.
-----------------------------The Last Person-----------------------------
81 You yelled at: Sarah, but in a jokingly way.
82 Who broke your heart: Sam.
83 Who told you they loved you? I think it was Alex or Ryan.
84 Who is your loudest friend?: STEVIE WUNDA BREDS LOLZL
------------------Do you/Are You:---------------------------
85 Do you like filling these out? Actually, I do.
87 Do you like yourself: I'm okay, I guess.
88 Do you get along with your family? Yeah.
89 Stolen anything over $50: Nope.
90 Obsessive?: Rivers?
91 Compulsive?: I don't know.
92 Anorexic?: No.
93 Suicidal?: Not at all.
---------------------Love Life---------------------
94 Do you have a crush? I don't really like to use that word, but yes, I do like someone.
95 If so, do they know? I think he does.
96 Have you truly told them how you feel, face to face? Actually, he told me that he thought I was really cool and I just said, "Thanks, I think you're really cool too."
97 How did they respond?: He smiled at me and then asked me if I wanted to do something the next weekend.
98 What is so great about them?: He's a really nice guy, he's funny, and he makes me smile a lot.
--------------------------------This or That--------------------------
99 Coffee, or tea? Either one is fine with me.
100 Phone or in person: In person.
101 Are you oldest, middle, youngest or only child: I'M ALL OF THEM. HAHA. SUCKER.
102 Indoor or outdoor? Either one is fine.
111 End Time: 1:06 PM


I think we're leaving soon, so I'm going to go.

Dear Monica,

Firstly, since this is something that just randomly came up...I had a math substitute today and he looked kind of like Matt. I say "kind of," because Matt is 2849502834903 times cuter. I'm trying to upload the picture to Photobucket, but it's not working right now. It's making me kind of mad. Okay, it's working now.
BEHOLD..IMPOSTOR MATT!



Okay.
Last night, Alexis came over. We had an awesome time, I'm sure that much is apparent. We were outside hugging [nothing more, I promise], and I kind of pulled away so I could see his face. (We hug to where our cheeks are touching and I can smell his hair and ururhrhghghgg it smells so nice.) Our faces were at least 1/2 a foot away from one another. Do you think I should've kissed him? Like, that was like...my point of looking at him so closely. I asked some other people whom I value opinions of:

Mohammed - "You should do what feels right. If you don't feel like doing it, don't."
Nicole - "You should just do it already."
Ali T. - "Be Nike...just do it!"
Ryan - "I'm old-fashioned, so I think the guy should always make the first move. But since in this case, you know he likes you so...why not?"
Chris - "Personally I think it's really important that the GIRL kiss the GUY sometimes. You know he likes you, just do it like nike."
Steven - I forgot what Steven said. He said something like "idk why not?"

What do you think? I was thinking about just kissing him on the cheek. Nothing more than that. But like, when I think about it really hard, though, I don't know what rush I'm in. Maybe I should just wait. If I could just hug him for all of eternity, that would be nice too.

I don't know. I could go on and on about this stuff, but I don't really want to subject you to a giant Alexis thing out of nowhere. I feel like if I do, I need to ease into it.


I've noticed there's been a severe decline in communication between you and me. Not like, we're not telling each other everything (because that hasn't changed), it just seems like we hardly ever see or talk to each other anymore, and when we talk online (except for yesterday) we don't really talk. It makes me sad.
I don't know if it's just me. I can tell from hanging out with Ali that I'm changing a little bit. I think I'm becoming a little more outgoing or something. I'm actually taking most of the initiative with Alexis and me. Sometimes I think that's bad, but that could just be Alexis' way of showing he doesn't want a relationship. It probably is. I can tell he likes me a lot though. My friend Elissa said she was talking to Jae (Alexis' like, best friend) and the conversation went something like this:
Jae: Alexis keeps talking about this Diana chick.
Elissa: ...DEANNA.
Jae: Yeah, that's it. Who is she? Alexis keeps talking about her. I think he likes her a lot.

And then Sarah was talking to Juanita (Alexis' sister) once day because she was all:
Juanita: Hey, Deanna's a junior, right?
Sarah: Yeah. Why?
Juanita: That's what I thought. Oh, my brother was talking about her. He thought she was a sophomore and I told him that she was a junior and he kept saying, "No, she's a sophomore."

Nicole told me he doesn't want a relationship, and that's ok. As long as he wants to hang out with me and go on dates and chill, I'm cool with that. As long as I get hugs, which I do. I'm totally fine with that. I know this kind of sounds like the "friends with benefits" thing, and I know that didn't work out at all with you and Julian but...I think I'm just going to go with the flow and see what happens. The worst that would/could happen is that he could just like..stop liking me but if I can get over Sam I think I can get over just about anything. It goes to show you that there ARE a lot of people in this world. You just have to stop looking and just let them find you sometimes.

I don't feel like doing my portfolio right now. I'm going to go to layout for Journalism and I'll just work on it then. Haha. I have no life.
On Thursday, Ali and I are going to go to the orchestra concert. Do you want to go? It's free. I want to watch Alexis play. He plays the violin. I think that's pretty dang cool. It's at 7 in the auditorium. Tell me later if you wanna go or something. It could be a chance for you to meet him. You could bring Matt, too, if you want to. I know you would probably want to. I want him to meet Alexis too. Maybe afterwards we can all go to Cindy's or something and get some cheese sticks and chocolate milk. I'm craving some chocolate milk with whipped cream right now. That and an iced peppermint latte from Starbucks. Mmmm.

Man, all I want to do right now is sleep. I'm tired. I have a 75 question History test next period that I forgot to study for. I forgot about everything I kind of needed to do yesterday because I was too busy thinking about Alexis and having a good time with him. Yeah, that's kind of a problem. I think about stuff like that too much.

Mrs. Neptune was talking about that test that you can take to get out of high school early. I was thinking about it and it kind of appealed to me. I'm tired of school. I have a feeling though, if I was to take it and go to college and get a job and stuff, I would regret doing it. It sounds nice right now, but I just have this feeling that if I did do it I would miss school. I wouldn't like having a job and going to college. I think the only thing that appeals to me is this:
-I'd be able to get a job at Barnes & Noble
-I'd be able to go to school with you
-We'd be able to eat lunch together and hang out during the day
-We could get an apartment together or something

Haha, I feel kind of weird saying "getting an apartment together" but I really want to do it. It sounds like fun. We'd have a pretty cool place, I think. I figured though, by the time I got out of high school, by then you and Matt would already want to live together or something so maybe it's kind of out of the question now. Then I thought that it would be fun living with Ali. She's always fun to be around, also, I think she's the only other person that I can tolerate 24/7. You and her are the only people I could be around for like a week and never get tired of. I don't think I could get tired of Alexis either, but I think he'd get tired of me. I don't know if you guys would get tired of me. I don't think you would, and I doubt Ali would.

I think I just heard the 5 minute bell.

BITCHES LOVE ME CUZ THEY KNOW I CAN ROCK

Haha, I love this Madonna song from her new cd. It's called "Sorry". I also like this one Taking Back Sunday song, "Cute Without the E (Cut from the Team)." I know if I continued you'd just laugh at the suckiness of my musical tastes. I don't care, though. Haha. I promise it's not Fall Out Boy, though. No, no, no.


Well, there's the bell.
I'll talk to you later.

love,
deanna

I don't like it when juice wears tights. It's a horrible combination.

I should be working on my portfolio. I love how I'm so pathetically lazy. It's beyond actual human comprehension. Okay, it's not that bad, but yeah. Even I don't understand myself anymore. I want so much out of life but I never really put anything into it. It's the American Dream, I guess. Get a lot by doing nothing. Well. I dunno. It's all about convienence now, that's what I know at least.

I didn't see him after lunch but it's okay. I'm going to try to learn not to be so paranoid. He likes me. I need to stop being so paranoid. So I didn't see him today, okay. Big deal. He just wasn't there, it means nothing

The glove compartment is inaccurately named

and everybody knows it

so I'm proposing a swift, orderly change

because behind its doors

there's nothing to keep my fingers warm

Well, Mrs. McCreedy just checked my portfolio, and things went over better than I thought they would've. I have a feeling this week will turn out okay. I'm pretty sure I'll finish my portfolio, especially since Mrs. McCreedy moved the deadline to Thursday instead of Wednesday.

Alright, well, there's the bell.

I'm not waiting for him. I'll see him after school or something, maybe.

Your daughter's immune system sucks.

I wrote a whole bunch in here earlier, but there was some error or whatever so yeah.

This reminds me of Sam:
There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone it's like it wasnt there at all


I seriously feel as if I never knew him in the first place. Weird, huh?

Alexis really liked the Starburst bracelet I made for him. =) That made me happy.
I need to like, work on my portfolio (do examples for harlem miniweb, .gif animation, and history day.) That's about it. I probably won't want to do it tomorrow, either. Oh well.


I think I'm going to go read Chuck Norris jokes. XD

KWELLI KARLSON ROXXORZ LOLOOL

I'm a mess. Not really, but my thoughts are scattered. He got AIM and IMed me last night. I don't think he got AIM to specifically talk to me, I seriously and absolutely doubt it. Anyway, we were talking and he said he was gonna go out and...well, basically be a boy. Get into trouble, that sort of thing.
Anyway, I said that if I woke up and there were grapefruits on my front lawn I would know who did it. I was, of course, kidding. I didn't need to worry, he'd never throw anything at me. I'm too sweet, he said.
I said, "Aw. You're sweet too, if I might add."
Then he said, "Hold on, I don't mean you don't have to worry about it that way, you know what I'm saying?"
Then I said, "Yeah, I know. Okie dokie."
Then he said, "Good, I didn't want to clobber you in the face, haha"

No, actually, I don't know what you're saying. I kept thinking he was trying to say that he didn't like me or something. Maybe all this thinking has totally jinxed it. It's possible, isn't it? What can go wrong, will go wrong.
If he likes me, I figured he would've wanted to kiss me by now or something. I don't know, I have little to almost no experience with boys so I really have no idea how long the wait should be...or whatever. If he likes me, he would want to, right? Maybe he doesn't like me after all.

But that night...we like held eachother for like 83294832 minutes. Ok, actually it was more like 3, but ahhhhhhitwassooooniceeejklfd;asjkfds;.

I'm just confused. Maybe I'm just looking too much into this and making things seem bad when they really aren't at all. I could just be imagining all of this. I'm such a worrywart.

I just wish I knew for sure for sure. Like, seriously-completely-rock-solid. I know that actions speak louder than words, and how he hugs me and looks at me makes me think he likes me. It's not that he doesn't say stuff, he's told me he thinks I'm funny and that he thinks I'm really really cool and stuff but I dunno.

It's funny how ONE sentence over the internet can totally set me off on a rollercoaster of thoughts. I really need to learn not get so involved.

I wanted to like, stop trying to run into him after lunch to maybe see if he'll come up to me. I hate passing up time that I could be talking to him though. I just wish that he'd show the same effort as I do. I don't know, I just feel like I'm...creepy always waiting until he leaves so I can and...oops...run into him! XD

blahhh.
I do know, though, that he wants to spend time with me. There's no reason why he would ask me out again or further the whole "we're gonna play Mario Kart" thing by saying "we need to really do this...but when?" Seriously.



I DON'T KNOW AND IT'S MESSING WITH MY HEAD
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


Ok, I'm done.

i am kyoote wifout da e lol so im jus kyoot lolol not cut frum da teem

I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been SO incredibly lazy. It's like I don't want to anything at all. Like, literally. I woke up this morning literally wanting to stay in bed all day long. All I want to do is like...wah. Yeah. I need to do sooo much stuff. I need to do my Junior Portfolio, I need to start working on my History notebook and I need to start reading Epitaph for a Peach again. I'm falling soo behind.

At least I think I'm actually going to do OK in Math. ::whispers:: thank you Jesus.

>_>
::cries::

It's an early out today too. I totally forgot. Maybe I'll stay an hour after school and like, work on my Portfolio. Or I could find him and have him take me home...

5 minute bell. = (
I could always message Mr. Brooks on Myspace and ask him about this play. Of course, like, there's no guarentee of him responding soon. It's probably best I get him in person, then I'm totally assured of him like...telling me stuff. OK.


Hi Sarah
I love you
You're my favorite

^^That's my poem for Sarah.

Cheeeyyyeeahhh.
Bell...I gotta go.

"Green Eyes" by Coldplay

Honey, you are a rock

upon which I stand

and I come here to talk

I hope you understand

Green eyes, the spotlight shines upon you

And how could anybody deny you?

I came here with a load

and it feels so much lighter now I met you

and honey you should know

that I could never go on without you

Green eyes

Honey you are the sea

upon which I float

and I came here to talk

I think you should know

Green eyes, you're the one that I wanted to find

Anyone who tried to deny you must be out of their minds

Cuz I came here with a load

and it feels so much lighter now since I met you

and honey you should know that

I could never go on without you

Green eyes, green eyes

Honey you are a rock

Upon which I stand
♥

Just a survey...

Name 20 people ( Not in any particular order)
1. Sarah Garrett
2. Monica
3. Alexis
4. Ali T.
5. Steven
6. Matt
7. Ander
8. Nicole F.
9. Mohammed
10. Sergio
11. Nicole S.
12. Lyncie
13. Carl
14. Tesa
15. Seggan
16. Fili
17. Ray
18. Vanessa Radsick
19. Dustin
20. Leslie

-Who is #8 going out with? Jacob. I don't know him, but he's pretty cute so I approve.
- Is #9 a boy or a girl? A boy.
- Would #11 and #12 date? Hahaha, nope, I don't think so.
- How about #18 and #4? Haha. Nope.
- What grade is #17 in? He's a junior.
- When was the last time you talked to #12? Oh my. I think it was January 15th, at Sarah's birthday.
- What is #6's favorite band? I know he likes the Pixies a lot.
- Does #1 have any siblings? Yeah, a bruvva.
- Would you ever date #3? Well...funny you should mention that...
- Would you ever date #7? Probably not.
- Is #16 single? Haha, definately.
- What's #15's last name? Moore.
- What's #10's middle name? Anthony.
- What's #5's favorite thing to do? He likes being "decent as fuck" and slopping fudge 'n' puddin' all over himself as well as hot butta.
- Would #14 and #19 make a good couple? No.
- What school does #20 go to? UC Berkley.
- Tell me a random fact about #11. She's Guatamalan!
- And #1: She looooveesss Chuck Norris.
- Have you ever had a crush on #15?: SHH!! Haha.
- What's #4's favorite color? Ali is a very colorful person..she likes lots of colors!
- Would you makeout with #14? Haha...umm...NO.
- Are #5 & #6 best friends? Nope, but they are friends.
- Does #7 like #20? Not like that.
- Does #8 like #19? They don't know each other, but I think Nicole knows what he looks like.
- How did you meet #2? I met her through her little brother, Carl. She was a TA in my Biology class and one day I wrote a note to her and our friendship grew from there. She's my very best friend.
- How did you meet #6? He was a book-checker-inner and after I added him as a friend on LiveJournal, we kind of started talking and stuff. Monica and I ate lunch with him in Mr. Lewy's room rather regularly.
- Does #10 have any pets? He has two dogs and a birdie!
- Is # 17 the sexiest person alive or what? All I have to say is: FUCKING HELL YES.

I hate weenies.

Mr. Hamm is a weenie.

I hate weenies.

I don't like Mr. Hamm right now.

GRRRR.